The FloydFest Heartbeat Diet Plan

It’s not your fault. So you’ve gained a little weight during the frosty winter months. Hell, your house is on the north side of the mountain. Enjoy that Oldsmoball of ice until May. But wait. There is an answer, spoken in a hushed whisper across the frosty plains. It’s name is FloydFest and it lives in place called summer. Welcome to the Blue Ridge Mountains and The FloydFest Heartbeat Diet Plan.

Not For Prophetizin?

There’s no stoppin’ what’s comin’. The fog will be heavy in the morning and hillbillies will scurry hither and yon. What are they doing in the mist? The sexy Pickle will be hard at work, preparing the site for the masses. Mr. Beautiful will be sitting by the front gate with his mando. The official first set of the show. Old Dominion boasts some of the best music festivals anywhere and FloydFest is at the top of many a list. Don’t throw a fit. Just lay back and let it happen. In addition to a party absolutely bulging with stupid fun, there is a chance you’re going to gain some friends and lose some weight. Now don’t make that face. It’s not too good to be true. After four days of the FloydFest deluge that spare tire tends to deflate. Between the walkin’, dancin’ and life style choicin’, most folks end up burning about ten pounds which can be chalked up as collateral benefits. This is both a marathon and a sprint, and it’s all happening on the slanted sides of the the blue ridge mountains. By the time it’s done, the quadriceps will be bulging and the poison will mostly be rendered leaving nothing but colorful flashbacks. Moonlight and sunrise hikes with cousins up and down the trail tends to burn serious calories. And don’t mention banjo pickin’. Even if you eat real food, the coal goes straight in the tender my friend.

There is no embargo for our love.

This is FloydFest (both Fs are capital) and it has a special place in the heart of the wranglers. Hippies, rednecks, Geminis and heathen will all gather for this party. The stage will be set for the dance of the ouroboros. The mountain breeze will be blowing and the Asheville and the 828 crowd will find their way to the dance floor with their Virginia cousins. Golf carts will go missing. The tea leaves can be no clearer. Lay back and let the party come to you.

This five-day celebration of music & art is nestled in the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains of Southwest Virginia featuring outdoor adventures, vibrant and varied vendors, quality brews and chews, healing arts, workshops, children’s activities, art installations, and a lineup featuring more than 100 artists on nine stages. FloydFest 21~Odyssey is set for July 21-25, 2021, at the longtime home at Milepost 170.5 on the Blue Ridge Parkway in Floyd, Va.

The present lineup includes Lake Street Dive, Old Crow Medicine Show, Trampled By Turtles, Melissa Etheridge, Marcus King, Ann Wilson, Morgan Wade, Durand Jones & The Indications, Railroad Earth, Amythyst Kiah, Buffalo Mountain Jam celebrates Old and In the Way, Leftover Salmon  The Infamous Stringdusters  The California Honeydrops, Yonder Mountain String Band, Keller Williams’ Grateful Gospel, American Aquarium, Neal Francis, Sierra Ferrell, Aaron Frazer, Kitchen Dwellers, Acoustic Syndicate  The Brothers Comatose, Caitlin Krisko and The Broadcast, Dogs In A Pile, LITZ, Isaac Hadden, Big Daddy Love, Keller & Ella Williams, The Judy Chops, and 2021 FloydFest On-the-Rise Competition winner, 49 Winchester, and runner-up, Sexbruise?. 

There will be a heavy portion of Sexbruise? on the menu for Wednesday night. Be on the lookout for the snack gun and/or a vat of mayonnaise. Where is Bazinga when you need him?

Sexbruise? is the target of numerous ongoing lawsuits from The Department of Health, The Church of Scientology, Outback Steakhouse, Stoke’s Honda of Goose Creek and many others. According to an article shared on Facebook, the original members of Sexbruise? all died in a tragic hang gliding accident in 2017 and were replaced by body doubles all of whom are physically attractive. Also, Stratton lost his keys at Rooster Walk so if anyone has seen them please text him at 843-251-4813 or Venmo them at @sexbruise.

FloydFest Diet Plan Options:

The Sexbruise?: Mayonnaise, snacks, Sudafed, pancakes, scrambled eggs, koolaid, jalapeno gatorade, two cartons of cream cheese, stuffing

The Delta Lot: Mike Helms’ Rum Punch, blue jello shots, four day old Brie with Tequila,

The kamp happiness: Expired narcotics, breakfast Natural Lite, warm bags of Tikka Masala, strawberry salad

The Fallout Shelter: Groundscored cigarettes, walked on cocaine, warm crotch whiskey

The Nakita: Macro doses of LSD, macro doses of mushrooms, literally hundreds of whippets, mayonnaise sandwich left over from the Sexbruise?

Marking its 10th round of lineup additions, Across-the-Way Productions welcomes two new ‘Local Love’ bands, Option 22 and DEADSUN, as well as two new members of the On-the-Rise Competition Class of 2022, Will Easter and the Nomads and Pink Beds. Also added to the lineup are Americana singer-songwriter Aaron Burdett, who won the 2020 MerleFest Chris Austin Songwriting Contest; and Caleb Stine and Into the Fog, two talented additions that take the place of previously announced artists The Wooks and Ben de la Cour, who are sadly now unable to perform at FloydFest 22~Heartbeat. Apart from music, ‘Heartbeat’ will feature three showings of the award-winning documentary ‘A Year in the Pit: A Journey into Music Photography,’ which spotlights FloydFest and many of its photographers, as well as myriad other regional and national events.

Clayopheus the Detangler was the first FloydFest wrangler. Then came Ka’oili with his bad hair and finally Lucienda joined with the very inmates who they ran the asylum. It would be difficult to compete with that kind of ridiculous silliness but every year is a different and special, like you. Some predictions can be made such as new friends and bad decisions but other aspects of the future can get lost in the fog of the either. What could she expect this year? Stage diving during Big Daddy Love. She was no prophet. What exactly were the unexpected occurrences that would smash into her like a runaway school bus? Hard to see the future is. Old school or new blood?

Check out the full schedule , by-day schedule, direct ticket link, website, Spotify, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

Join kamp happiness and the rest of the wrangler faithful for a Wednesday night Sexbruise? party. Cuidado. Piso Mojado. Visit the wook nook and stay for some chemical bluegrass from the Camp Opulence Family Band staring Mr. Beautiful and Danielle Hot Damn Danielle Collins. Sit on the the uneven perch and dive into the ice chest of good intentions.

Thy name is hubris.