Suwannee Resonate “26 Freebie

(Ed. note- The following is not a sponsored article. There’s no money. No hustle. Actually there’s never any money, but there’s usually tickets.) This is what we call a freebie and it’s the nature of the beast. We share a belief in what’s happening here. Resonate has something for everyone. As always, this party was sporting and over time, things got a mite loosey goosey. This is the bare bones, entirely full of pulp and profanity. Some decreed it a low water mark, others sang it’s praises. Not here for the short-term, they endeavored to persevere. Completely vested. Proceed at your own peril. Read it twice. Needle drop that please. Thrice you have offended.)

Like Lucy’s love making, the media hustle is rarely predictable or consistent. Occasionally, an outlet has to make the questionable choice of unteathering from the Wranglers and learn the hard truths that come with the moral and spiritual cleaving from the source. A sincere thank you for making us your number one outlet for festival tripe. Are you not influenced? Sometimes in this world, one has to spend money to make money. Or in this case, spend money to make no money. Not for prophet? Yes, Dirttrack Donnie, we still haven’t found a way to monetize the site. Lucienda Rosalita had finally paid the boatsman and figured she was going to get her moneys worth. It was a moral imperative. And she did, but not in the way she expected. And therein lies the rub. Suwannee. What you seek is not what you find. Or rather, you will get what you want, but not in the way you expect. Or maybe a bit too much. Welcome to Aladdin’s lamp. This is the theater of the mind. Open the door to the Suwannee Resonate “26 Freebie. Welcome to Kamp Severe Mental Illness, Kamp Cognitive Dysfunction, or Kamp Extreme Irrational Behavior. Kamp still working on the name. Welcome to thirteenth floor R&D. You get what you pay for.

Lucy shrieked at the idea of paying full price for the festival which was the first time in over five years she’d paid for anything other than Billy shows. Not that it mattered. Lucy and Bagosux arrived with no money and no contraband. They left with seventeen doll hairs. At some point they sold the Legend of Zelda print for twenty doll hairs and spent that on cheap cigarettes.  If Pedro had been here, just the space madness alone was worth three hundred bucks. They arrived Tuesday and would enjoy the fruits of the pre-party. Hopefully the old gypsy woman was full of shit and they could ignore her warning to not fall victim to hubris.

Part One, Dimentia. They had no contraband so he lost no contraband. The connection was easy to see. Others had misplaced their contraband even before the seat belt sign was turned off. Or cameras? Or bracelets? Or whatever…From where Lucienda perched the parade of the festival traveled right past her stoop and she witness the same story in repeat, same story, different actors.

She paid full price and so she was going to get her money’s worth. What did that even mean? She didn’t make it into the show. She hung out with the Gravedigger, who didn’t have a bracelet, like Ma and Pa Kettle, waiting for the boys to return from the Anzio bridgehead. All she wanted to do was sit in the dirt, play guitar songs and debate pertinent sociopolitical topics of the day.

Happy Birthday you son of a bitch. Noah acknowledged that he’d tried to fuck up his own birthday. During Clozzee he puked, pissed and cried. Wise beyond his years, he was aware that most times for your money you could only get one of those. Mississippi blue ribbon king of admonishment? When did Bible names come back en vogue? Not big enough to hold down the seats in the theater and also needed a big woman to help him open the doors at the Hoggly Woggly. He was somehow maintaining and exceeding expectations with no shoes, no guitar and a face layered with a rich crust of diatomaceous earth, drug residue and expired ejaculate.

Lesson number forty two. Lucy learned the hard way: Don’t allow your mind to be folded into concentric origami shapes, lost in a soup of primordial memories and sour ugliness during working hours. Save that for the homies and the late night session. The worst version of air.

Part Two, Schizophrenia. She closed her eyes and played guitar, strangely happy that she was partially deaf. She had no idea what was going on around him. Selective hearing? Selective sanity? Wisconsin Lindsey moved in at some point. “Mind I if encroach?” I’m from Wisconsin. We eat people. Shadow people. For some time she had been voluntarily trying to have herself trafficked and as far unsuccessful, she was beginning to fear that perhaps Arabs didn’t find her attractive. Like her mother always said, maybe she was ugly. She did, however know all the words to Rob Zombie’s “Living Dead Girl” at the request happy hour.

At some point during the affair, people, all the people began losing things. Mostly phones but also drugs and bracelets. It was Shakespearian theater in how often it was happening. All around in a vortex of retarded confusion, everyone asking for help, somehow commandeering the group to search for their, whatever. My back is broken so I am unable to pick up the film canister of my grandfather’s ashes. Do I smell like a hot back brace? It’s really too stupid to be fiction.

Lucy went inside the venue one time, only to make fun of the Dick that is Crystal. Can you make change for a counterfeit ten-thousand dollar bill? Fugazi or not, it was supposed to be filled with cocaine. That was the whole point. In the end, what have we learned? When you lie down with dogs you get fleas. What do you expect to find down in a pig mine? Who had said the Danimal was “disarmingly charming”? Her only job had been to take him a twenty dollar bill sprinkled with Detroit dry wall. Disarmingly charming? How about NO. Crystal Dicks. Danimal sounds like a yogurt tube drink. To be fair, he believed the White Ninja when he said he would “return” with a twelve pack of Twisted Teas. That was his second mistake, right after being born looking like Timber. Kamp Passive Aggressive Daddy Issues?

Shoe Horn. Free Jello shots and childhood nightmares. Guy actually helped his neighbors appear “classy?” by having the megaphone next door. The spectrum of obnoxious had shifted and they were playing par golf. It’s special when neighbors can compliment each other and work in tandem. Lucy had never heard of someone who actually enjoyed being electrocuted. What kind of animal would that look like? The Shoe was the answer to the question, “What would happen to a man who got zapped by the cop prod?” Would he pass out and shit himself or simply shake it off and bring a mighty force to bear? Serious questions that needed to be answered and the Shoe Horn was just the savage to do it. He took two shots to the forearm and bucked with a disconcerting ease. By the end of the festival, the zapper came up missing and that’s likely for the best. Suwannee deputies or shock therapy? The choice is yours.

Part Three, Delusion. Why didn’t you help me when that girl was screaming at me? From where she was sitting, lots of people seemed to be hollaring at eat other. And besides, everyone knows the Gravedigger is a raging lunatic. To fight that one you might as well run backwards into the bulls of Pamplona. And besides, she was busy with Space Cake trying to figure out why the lights had gone out in Georgia.

Bagman noticed that everyone was getting worked over by the forest. The insides were coming outside. Lucy rarely left camp so from her perspective, the festival was ripping by like a Mardi Gras parade. And there were patterns. Things that kept happening over and again, just with different people. Great fun to be sure, but each person though their crisis was unique and spectacular and in the universe of confusion, theater of the mind, it may have been but it was also just really just extradoriily goofy.

Kamp Happiness does not stick the landing. Sometime late Friday night, they heard female screams from next door. Lucy didn’t think they were coming from Shoe’s place. I mean, what kind of girls would go there. Don’t worry, she thinks purple lips are sexy. Two for ten? Old people prices. It was just girls shrieking at each other, which was common enough in mixed circles but Hobo Kamp typically does a reasonable job of avoiding those unfortunate episodes. Apparently, this time. Some time late Saturday night there became some kind of social collapse and females in the kamp began losing their shit on each other. When exactly did everyone lose control? I’m thinking it’s the guy from Wormtown but who really knows? We come to the forest for answers and sometimes she barks, “You can’t handle the truth!”

Lucy woke up to a series of rumors about herself. She’d been busy, apparently involved in a narrative involving a stolen camera, she’d dressed like a transvestite, an although not the perferred vernacular, the Kamp Haappiness has a rotating membership. Many people have decided not to live in the portal, but rather back up a pitching wedge or nine iron. Real talk. We bring plenty of thugs in the kamp and it gets a little slickery. With most of these admitted reprobates, you get the good with the bad. You think Hemmingway or Bukowski didn’t get “sporting” from time to time? Hard yes. Grow up. It comes with the territory. You bought a ticket, might as well see the show.

Lucy walked out of her campsite and sitting in the middle of the street, right up her skirt were two Suwannee Sherrifs SUVs. They seemed extra close. Whoever they were looking for was close. In seconds, the two vehicles morphed into five. The last time anyone had seen this Christopher Michael Sommers went to jail. Lucy immediately checked her pockets for contraband and found none. She considered her kamp and vehicle and whether they would pass the test if combed by Deputies or their drug dogs. Again, it was comforting to have so little and so little to care for. Lucy woke up Sunday to a virtual armada of Suwannee deputies parked right up her skirt. From their spot on the dance floor, they could see all the way to Argentina. Kamp sketch as fuck? Kamp bench warrant? Kamp panic attack? I smell a hit.

Part Four, Neurosis. Lucy was handing out nitrous balloons with Baitbucket breath. She was confessing to others as they sucked old CO2 and still they sucked. Obviously we cannot guarantee your safety. Look around. Toys in the attic. Have you seen this place? Serious thugs slither through these camps. All of these women are on medication for a good reason. Normal people can be tedious. The audacity! Show up with this cattle car of psychosis and there is usually very little “dead air”. Free psychiatric advice. Your first session is free.

You have entered the unsoundness of the mind. Lucy had suffered terrifying visions. Doing experimental drugs in the middle of the day? Poor form ol boy. Learning the same lesson for the thirteenth time. Thrice you have offended me. Apologies would be in order.

Real talk. They said stay off the trails at Manatee Springs. High tick count? Bruh. She was a cracker and claimed to know how to handle Florida critters, but…in…this…case. they were right. Holy shit. Ticks. Ticks aplenty. She managed to rip the bodies out of her flesh, but somehow left the poison head. Lyme’s disease is no excuse for insanity and it’s not cool when Jehovah’s Witness trap their neighbors.

Screaming at each other. Arguing during load-out. Gay. Serotonin Sunday? It felt like a rerun of a sitcom that didn’t stand the test of time. Unfortunate scores from the Canadian judge as Kamp Happiness does not stick the landing. Turned ankle? More like snapped in half. Lucy was somewhat surprised that folks were registering, as if for the first time, that she was an unreasonable asshole. She shrieked, “I’ve been one since the day we met.” Get the memo. Complete douche and an animal product not for human consumption. Me no hear. I can’t people. Broken like the liberty bell. As she woke up on Sunday, she found she’d been busy, somehow involved in a narrative involving a stolen camera, she’d dressed like a transvestite, and while not the preferred vernacular, the real question was whether she was just cross dressing or did she actually cut off her penis. Other reports included pulling a switchblade on an unsuspecting patron, which was highly likely. She had managed to stay out of the brown liquor and kept the free-roaming brown outs. Talk about the sparrows flying.

Band on the Run. Stevie Nicks and the Mighty Quinn were screwing in the tent when some lonely fraternity boy shouted from his tent, “Take it to the car.” The truth is that we love the bleating of sweet love making in the forest. Yes, Paul and Linda did hire mercenaries to bust them out of a Nigerian jail. One hears a great many strange and unusual things in the wilderness. He thought everyone was supposed to camp around the same fire but maybe camps have a carrying capacity. Sideways insanity also offers a chance for friends to get to know each other better, reset boundaries and become better friends.

She had sores everywhere where the tick heads were still pumping their poison juice into her brain. Maybe she already had Lyme’s disease. Maybe that’s what made her crazy. Finally something was making sense. That math mathed. Visit the Suwannee Resonate website and like their social media sites on Facebook, Instagram and X. The math checks out. Measure twice, cut once.

He was glad his phone had been disconnected. He wouldn’t have to listen to how he’d ruined the weekend for everyone. I can’t people. We lost a lot of good men out there today. You can’t fire me. I quit. This is your brain on shrugs. Any questions? What did we learn? You have to believe in what you’re doing, especially when you suspect you may just be full of absolute shit. Like Sam Clemens said, “Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).” It was hard for Lucienda to accept full blame, after all, her mother hadn’t breast fed her, so all blame eventually spiraled back to that original neglect. The following week, she would be at Jazz Fest in the bowels of the Crescent City, a framework which would come with its own new set of perimeters and legal questions.

Follow the Wranglers as the Hobo Kamp security force attacks the summer tour with Mountain Music Festival, FloydFest and Jimmy Hoboken’s Fancy Tool Table. This is the eye of the slurricane. Don’t mix tranquilizers and whiskey.